GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

 

      God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better

      serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the

      following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept

      completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address

      unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

 

      1. How did you find out about God?

      ___Newspaper

      ___Bible

      ___Torah

      ___Book of Mormon

      ___Koran

      ___Other Book

      ___Television

      ___Divine Inspiration

      ___Word of mouth

      ___Dead Sea scrolls

      ___My mama done tol' me

      ___Near Death Experience

      ___Near-life experience

      ___National Public Radio

      ___Tabloid

      ___Burning Shrubbery

      ___Who?

      ___Other (specify):__________

 

      2. Which model God did you acquire?

      ___Yahweh

      ___Jehovah

      ___Allah

      ___Just plain God

      ___Krishna

      ___Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)

      ___Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)

      ___Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)

      ___Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

      ___None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

 

      3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order

      and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

      ___Yes ___No

 

      If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

      Please indicate all that apply:

      ___Not eternal

      ___Not omniscient

      ___Not omnipotent

      ___Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

      ___Permits sex outside of marriage

      ___Prohibits sex outside of marriage

      ___Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)

      ___When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

      ___Requires virgin sacrifices

      ___Plays dice with the universe

 

      4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

      Please check all that apply:

      ___Indoctrinated by parents

      ___Needed a reason to live

      ___Indoctrinated by society

      ___Needed target for rage

      ___Imaginary friend grew up

      ___Hate to think for self

      ___Wanted to meet girls/boys

      ___Fear of death

      ___To piss off parents

      ___Needed a day away from work

      ___Enjoy organ music

      ___Needed focus on whom to despise

      ___Needed to feel morally superior

      ___Graduated from the tooth fairy

      ___My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

 

      5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

      Please check all that apply:

      ___Self-help books

      ___Tarot, Astrology

      ___Star Trek re-runs

      ___Fortune cookies

      ___Ann Landers

      ___Psychic Friends Network

      ___Dianetics

      ___Playboy and/or Playgirl

      ___Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll

      ___Biorhythms

      ___EST

      ___Television

      ___Mantras

      ___Jimmy Swaggart

      ___Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

      ___Human Sacrifice

      ___Wandering around in desert

      ___Burning shrubbery

      ___Other:__________

 

 

      6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were

      you fooled by? Please check all that apply:

      ___Odin

      ___Cthulhu

      ___Lottery

      ___Baal

      ___Beelzebub

      ___The Almighty Dollar

      ___The Sunday New York Times

      ___Mick Jagger

      ___Bill Gates

      ___The Great Pumpkin

      ___Bill Clinton

      ___A burning cabbage

      ___mushrooms

      ___Other:__________

 

 

      7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the

      balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer...(circle

      one)?

      a. More Divine Intervention

      b. Less Divine Intervention

      c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

      d. Don't know -- what's Divine Intervention?

 

 

      8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

      Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory 5 excellent) God's handling

      of the following:

 

      Disaster:

      1 2 3 4 5 flood

      1 2 3 4 5 famine

      1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

      1 2 3 4 5 war

      1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

      1 2 3 4 5 plague

      1 2 3 4 5 AOL

      1 2 3 4 5 Congress

      1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis

      1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

 

      Miracles:

      1 2 3 4 5 rescues

      1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

      1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

      1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

      1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns

      1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks

      1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

 

 

      9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

 

      1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy

      1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers

      1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?

      1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

 

 

      10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the

      quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary.)